First posted on 14 July 2002 ~ Coming to terms.

Dinner at Prima Taste (Fullerton) with SF: Rarely order drinks with dinner, and then only with him, because we drink together. Pretty nice white. Sweet and easy going down. Keeping me in the same mellow mood I have been the past few days.

Perhaps the truth is what any outsider, including myself, has seen a dozen times: the person who stays in the relationship longer than he or she should, only because it takes that much courage to walk out - alone. And so he or she would wait for the "opportunity" to present itself: a situation that would justify the walking. Or he or she would wait for another person to show up, check out the new person, so that he or she can be assured of a "connecting flight".

I am madly in love with him. It grieves me to have to consider giving up what I consider a real treasure of a lifetime companion. So it is not at all pleasant to consider the above possibility. That he had simply been waiting for me go on long enough with my anti-children crusade and to lose my temper. And then, his connecting flight with "dragon girl". I had been going on lately that if I was not "the one", he should tell me now and not when I am all withered and have lost my "market value". Ah yes, of course, I had to be the one to "initiate" the process, eh?

He already has a vacancy in his heart to fill; a long overdue one, perhaps, which explains how he could have fallen in love so readily. A very, very harsh truth to recognise, that I have been in a one-sided relationship for a long time.

I am dismayed that he could possibly choose the "easy" way out of his guilt by blaming it on me. In a way, it is an expected and common human reaction, and I can understand why it would work out this way. But it doesn't make it right, does it?

I need an honest resolution from him about our relationship. I love him and I want this to end "right". He may not feel good having to face his conscience - I want him to not because I want to hurt him in return. I can be very spiteful, but I am still in love with him. I deserve the truth and I want to walk away knowing he has chosen to grant me this final honesty and compassion, if not out of whatever remnant of love he has for me, then his own sense of what is "right".

Why have I not broken into pieces yet? It's like lying on the dentist chair, mouth all wide open and vulnerable, nervously waiting for that huge LA needle to sink into my quivering gums.